He had always accused me of cheating. Basically since day one. He laid down the rules about the things he considered cheating (besides the obvious like sex, kissing and touching or anything physical and/or emotional) and so he said going over to another guy’s house, texting another guy, even just talking to another guy was cheating- so we agreed on what we wouldn’t do. Of course, being the hypocrite he was, I soon learned that the “rules” did not apply to him.
He threw up some red flags when he came barging in one night screaming “where is he” and began looking frantically in closets and under the bed and in the shower. I remember thinking he was paranoid. It was only a sign of what was to come. Unfortunately, I ignored those red flags and felt sorry that his exes must have really hurt him for him to act that way.
I also saw some text messages he’d sent to a few of his good friends saying “I think my girl is cheating on me” even though there was NOTHING to substanciate it. When I confronted him he never did have anything to say even when I explained it was making me look bad and it upset me. Little did I know he had begun his smear campaign. And it was just the beginning of the accusations and ruining my reputation.
Soon, he was always accusing me. 24/7. With everyone! His friends, neighbors, my exes, everyone on my friends list, even every homeless guy on the streets! Said I snuck them in when he was sleeping or showering or even just using the bathroom! Said I was giving blow jobs out the window. There was no common sense used in his accusations.
He said people talked about me and he tried to make me believe that people had ‘warned’ him about me (mostly people that I didn’t know and didn’t know me at all,but a few that I did know and it really hurt me) saying I was a slut and prostituted myself! I was upset and humiliated. Eventually I didn’t want to go anywhere or have anyone over because I was angry and embarrassed.
He put up cameras that would stream right to his phone- so he could ‘prove’ that I was cheating on him as well as sneaking guys in. The cameras were all over the house. Even in the bathroom and shower! And he would stay up all hours of the night started watching his recordings (of NOTHING) often waking me up because he’d “found something”
(it was always just me by myself) and he would often wake me up super early to start screaming his accusations at me and it would last all day and all night until I begged him to let me sleep then I usually ended up crying myself to sleep or passing out from exhaustion.
Gone were the days he called me “baby”. All he called me now was whore or slut or any other derogatory name he thought of. He talked about me like that to everyone.
He then started not letting me leave the house so I wouldn’t do any of the so-called cheating. Then he started screwing all the windows, the door and slider shut from the inside (There were over 79 screws in the front door’s frame!) and he would hide the drill bits so I couldn’t get out. He said it would prevent me from f*cking every guy around.
It got crazy and he wouldn’t listen to anyone that tried talking to him. I wasn’t allowed to make eye contanct with guys and God forbid if I was ever just being polite and smiled and/or said “hi”. If one of his friends came over I was not supposed to look at them at all. If I did, I’d get the evil eye as he slowly would shake his head and I knew was in for it.
Then here was the craziness with my social media. To help make him feel more secure I deleted all males unless I knew them really well. Often times I would find out he had blocked guys without telling or asking me. He also had a habit (which totally embarrassed me) of sending lame messages to other guys (his friends, my friends and even strangers) accusing them of being with me and telling them to stay away.
His acccusations were really pissing people off and he was also offending his friends (and me). I made excuses for his insecurity and explained I thought it was something mental. I even made him go to the crisis center at mental health but he wasn’t honest and would let me talk to them and charmed his way into making them believe it was me and not him who was crazy.
All the constant accusations wore me out and definitely broke me down. There were a few nights I just begged him to please not bring it up and the times he agreed, things were great- just like in the beginning. But the reality was that he had become increasingly paranoid and very abusive in every way. I became afraid of him and his rages.
I used to feel so damn bad for him… I really thought he was losing his mind and having some kind of breakdown. It broke my heart watching him fall apart and that’s why the truth hurt me so bad when I found out HE was the one cheating and that he had lied about so many things. When I tried calling him out on his double standards and HIM not following the “rules” he’d just ignore me or start a fight about something else.
And when we were together I would have NEVER thought he’d cheat on me- not with how he accused me of it all the time. But cheaters accuse you of cheating just like liars accuse you of lying. I didn’t realize he was doing both. And not with so many, that’s for sure!
We eventually got kicked out and had nowhere to go but the streets. He only got worse. I reached out to one of the few friends he had left for help after he pulled a knife on someone for letting me charge my phone. I also reached out to his old sponsor to help him because I was sincerely worried about him. He would not listen to anyone. That’s when I’d had enough and told him I was going inpatient to get clean and I hoped he would too.
The truth was I couldn’t take anymore. Not once had I ever cheated or even thought about cheating. My story never changed. I even told him I’d go to my deathbed trying to prove I never cheated on him. I finally realized that even if God himself came down and told him I hadn’t cheated, he’d still believe I had.
I couldn’t take anymore. I was tired of being badgered all the time. Tired of being called a whore. Tired of him not loving me. Tired of being disrespected, ashamed and embarrassed by him.
We both ended up eventually getting clean but that didn’t stop the accusations. He still swore he had all this ‘proof’ with his recordings but yet never proved ANYTHING. So I told him if he kept bringing it up and didn’t let it all go I didn’t want to be with him. He didn’t stop. Ever…
When I started learning about narcissism (after he told me he was diagnosed with it) my heart literally broke into million pieces. But slowly the anger has set in realizing that he had purposely put me through all that turmoil knowing damn well I’d never cheated!!!
The whole situation was some heartless and calculated game to him. He smeared me and devalued me- just broke me completely down. He sucked the life out of me. Stole my spirit. Emptied my soul. Changed me for good by projecting HIS wrong doings onto me. That was a hard fucking pill to swallow!