I heard his voice yesterday when he called. It made my mind flood with memories. They started out as what I used to consider to be ‘good’ and for a second I even missed him.
I missed hearing him call me “baby” and saying “I love you”. It made me me miss his cute giggle and I could picture him smirking… That crooked smile that got me every time. I missed hearing the excitement in his voice when he talked about God… the sadness in his voice when he talked about his childhood and the love talking about growing old together.
But reality set in REAL FAST. And I asked myself what it was I thought I actually missed.. the way he called me a whore? The way he screamed everything at me? The way he told me to do the world a favor and kill myself? The way he told me I was worthless and unlovable?
Or was it that I missed being put-down? Made to feel ugly and gross? Made to feel I wasn’t good enough??? Even stupid…? Or the way he’d shame me with his words, accusations and lies?
Sometimes, I didn’t even have to hear his voice because his actions said it all.
And sometimes all I had to do was look in his eyes to see the distaste and contempt he had for me.
Was I missing the way he bragged about past escapades? Or the way he constantly reminded me other females hit on him and wanted him? Did I miss the way he’d yell “I hate you”?
I finally knew without a doubt that I really didn’t miss him at all.
I don’t miss being used, humiliated, scared, worried, belittled, hit, kicked, slapped, tormented or any of the other things he subjected me to. I don’t miss begging for his attention, being hurt and wondering where he’d gone. I don’t miss hoping things would go back to when I believed and trusted in him.
I do miss being loved, cherished, respected and valued. I miss being hugged and kissed and reaching out and feeling my partner next to me. And I miss miss having a best friend and a lover… Someone who is always there for me- someone I trust and admire.
But his voice didn’t bring those kind of memories back.
Because I don’t miss him.
I miss the man I waited for h to be, the one he fooled me into thinking he was.
I miss an illusion.
That’s all his voice really made me miss.