My BPD

About 12 years ago I was diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder and FINALLY some things started making sense. Things like why I have such a hard time letting go of people and/or relationships, my random mood swings and how I could not control my emotions (especially anger), how felt that everybody eventually leaves me, the way I push the people that care about away then try and convince them to come back (like I’m testing them) as well as the self-harm and risky behaviors.My psychiatrist diagnosed me with BPD after a very serious suicide attempt. And he basically told me there was nothing more he felt he could do at that point because I was becoming a statistic with my suicidal ideations. About 70% of those diagnosed attempt suicide. Somewhere around 10% succeed because of it. He said he thought I’d fall in to that 10%.It really hurt. My own doctor giving up on me and walking away right when I could finally put reasons why I behaved and reacted the way I did?!?! But, like I said, everyone leaves me.Its frustrating (not to mention damaging) the way my moods and reactions are so out of control. When something comes to an end it’s as if I just can’t accept it. I won’t. I seem to feel things so much more intensely then others probably why I hold on when most females would tell their partner to “fuck off”!Which is probably how I end up in these abusive relationships. I never feel I’m good enough. Never have. And so settling for being treated like trash is pretty much what I’m used to- the norm. Maybe that’s why I fell for David’s love-bombing so hard and fast.For the first time he made me feel not just wanted but NEEDED. He made me believe I was valued , special, cherished. I think that’s why it hurt so bad. I believed in him and trusted him to love me and be honest. To be the man he promised to be.Instead I ended up right back where I started- questioning my worth and just wanting the pain to go away. I could only numb it so much when I got high.The first discard, which was totally unexpected to me was devastating. I lost it. I begged. I pleaded. I threw fits. I hurt him. I couldn’t let it go and ended up once again in the ICU where it was touch and go. I was so hurt to find out later he basically bragged about me trying to kill myself over him.It wasn’t necessarily over HIM but at everything I’d gone through.. all the rejection and never being good enough. I felt completely abandoned.And unfortunately, my first reactive thought to anything (and I mean literally ANYTHING) is wanting to die. I just play it out and feel hopeless. And when I started writing this blog that’s exactly where I was at. I was determined to end it all because I’m so tired of hurting and struggling everyday. It seemed logical because I hated myself so much.Hated the way I acted and the way I thought about things. Hated the kind of daughter, sister, friend and mother I was. Felt like I failed at everything and nothing seemed to give me joy anymore. Seemed like I’d always be alone and I wasn’t even worthy of some heartless, cruel narcisst’s love. But that all changed.Learning that my relationship with David fit the pattern of narcisstic abuse finally let me make sense of things. Because it hurt way too bad to accept that he just stopped loving me and that I was so easily replaceable. But now, understanding he never loved me.. wasn’t capable of loving me as well as knowing it wasn’t ME personally because it’s his pattern to use and hurt women has helped to begin to let go.I fought my BPD so I could stop hanging on because reality is there’s nothing to hang on to. There never was. In some weird way that makes it easier. I still struggle daily with my first thought is wanting to die when something goes bad and have to take it day by day and moment by moment. And instead of feeling like he rejected and abandoned me I think of it as God did for me what I couldn’t do for myself.Sometime I just have to make myself focus on the fact that my behaviors aren’t mine but my BPD. I constantly remind myself that feelings are not facts. And I’m proof that time will heal. Yes he destroyed a lot of me but he doesn’t get to win and neither does my Borderline Personality.

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