Every. Single. Thing.

It all seems pointless. Recovery, healing, letting go, job training, fighting, even having hope.. pointless.

Obviously I can’t recover… As soon as everything is going good I find reasons to pick up again. Even just using is pointless when I’m not even getting the numbing I want. Guess he was right and maybe all I’ll ever be is a pathetic addict.

And how the fuck am I supposed to make sense of anything from the last 6 years? The emotional abuse and just straight mind fuckery that’s gone on in my last two relationships has me destroyed. Especially the last one! How do I heal from something that wasn’t real? A facade of someone I loved? He used me, abused me then blantly discarded me like trash for someone else- twice! How do I forgive myself for allowing it to happen? I’m forever changed by this man (boy) and all his cruelty. He manipulated me in every way possible. He’s instilled a level if untrust and terror in me that is so unfair. I can’t even verbalize the physical.

And the physical stuff is what makes it so hard to let go. I can still feel the terror of thinking I was taking my last breath.. the hits.. the kicks.. most of all the suffocations.

And what’s the point in trying to better myself and start a new career? Half the time I can’t even make myself get up and shower! How do I find the will to move forward? To find a purpose again after having my whole sense of self worth stripped from me? It never gets better and I end up in the same vicious cycle of hopelessness.

So why fight? For anything really. Myself? Depleated, defeated and hopeless. My recovery? Not worth it when I just chronically relapse. My little boy? He deserves so much better than a mom who chose someone and something’s over him.. a mom that hurts him like I have by not staying clean and being weak enough to fall apart. My life? What life. I merely exist surrounded by these four walls trapped in the hell that runs through my mind 24/7. My friends and family? So I can disappoint them and let them down again? And I’ve got some really awesome people that truly care about me too.

But I’m empty. I hate the bod side of me that just can’t let go and move on. It’s just impossible to accept the pain or something. Too much to bear. So then I disassociate from everyone and everything. I find myself praying to take my last breaths, researching ways to end my life. And I know that’s gonna be the end.. two serious attempts before but I’m just so worried about how it will affect my boys but soon the hell is gonna be too much.. they don’t need a mess like me. I’ve already proved how unreliable I am. So it’s just a matter of when because I really am done and completely, utterly hopeless and that makes EVERYTHING just totally pointless.