My birthday was last Saturday and even though I have someone new in my life who is real and kind totally opposite of my ex, trying to help me have a good day, I really couldn’t enjoy it at all.
The memories of last year’s birthday were just way to real and raw.
I only remember bits and pieces.. I have flashbacks of certain things that happened… That he did… What he put me through. But I guess I’ve blocked some details because I can’t remember how my night of terror started or what set him off. And, when I say “night of terror” I mean exactly that. I’m not being overly dramatic one bit.
I honestly believed it was going to be the last night I would be alive. I begged and begged for him to let me call my boys to say goodbye or at least record something for them but he refused.
The most horrible moment of it all was when he went to the bathroom and actually left me on the living room. I only had a t-shirt and underwear on but I didn’t even care… I ran for the front door but it was screwed shut from the inside. There were so many screws and I started trying to pull them out and that’s when I heard him. Laughing. Like a deep, evil cackle. Then he said “you’re not going anywhere”.
I felt so hopeless and defeated. And terrified.
So I started banging on the neighbors walls and yelling for them to call the police. “You’ll be dead by the time the cops could get in because everything is screwed shut” he said.
I remeber just being accepting of it all… That he was going to kill me. This was how I was going out. I’d be remembered as the one who was murdered by her psycho boyfriend. And he’d go back to prison for more than just domestic violence charges this time.
I also remember feeling sorry for him because he’d probably have to spend the rest of his life in prison. Even in the most sickening times I’d loved him and put him first… Wtf?!?!
That night I was choked with his arms around me and with his bare hands around my neck several times. He held a pillow over my face more than once until I was practically limp. I remember giving up and how I stopped fighting, kicking, screaming. I just gave up.
He’d punch me hard in the stomache and back and legs. He’d slap me across my face. Kick me when I was on the floor. Jab with his knife here and there.
Another thing he did that stands out the most as well as showed me his true evilness because I’d told him my biggest fear was being burned alive. And he sat there flicking his zippo over and over telling me how easy it would be to get away with lighting me on fire. He’d put the flame close to me, scaring me. He had a bottle of lighter fluid that he kept picking up making sure I saw it. Then.. he tossed liquid on me and threw the flaming zippo towards me… I was fucking terrified. But it was just water and the fire went out.
He continued to play that game every couple hours til daylight telling me I’ll never know when he’s gonna grab the actual lighter fuel instead of just water. I thought my biggest fear was happening.
At one point after he kept acting like he was gonna stab me by jabbing the knife all around me into the bed, he made me get undressed and go to the bathroom. We had a big, open walk-in shower. I had to sit down and he’d jab at me or throw the knives at me but he made me sit in that shower all together, about 4 hours because “it will be easier to clean up the mess”.
All this time we were both in our addiction and meth played a big part in out lives. And that night he kept making me smoke.. more and more. I was so high. So fucking scared. So exhausted and so drained. Everything was surreal. I didn’t understand what was done. I didn’t recognize him…
About daylight I could tell he was very tired. But, he demanded sex and all I could do was cry because all the sudden he started becoming the guy I’d loved again.. but HOW was I supposed to be able to be intimate with him after all he’d just put me through?!?! I couldn’t fathom it.
But he won. It was like I was a robot just going through the motions yet still waiting to die. I hated him so much but was also grateful the man I loved was back- loving and wanting me. God I was fucked up.
Severe trauma bonding!
He eventually fell asleep and I just laid there with silent tears rolling down my cheeks, muffling my cries. I waited until I could tell he was deeply asleep. And tried putting all my frantic thoughts into action.
All I knew was I had to find the drill or a Phillips screwdriver and be as quiet as possible. But he’d hidden everything really good. And I was still kinda in shock. I wasn’t thinking clearly and ended up waking him trying to pry out the screws with a hammer. I didn’t know what to think. What to say. What to do.
Absolutely defeated, covered in marks, bruises, hand and foot prints… Sore like you wouldn’t believe… Completely departed from reality… I climbed back in bed with him and fell asleep in his arms.
Happy birthday to me.