I hate him; my narc.

I hate that I still miss him.

I hate that he doesn’t care.

I hate that he won’t admit anything.

I hate that he’s not sorry.

I hate that I believed in him.

I hate that I let him hurt me.

I hate that I loved him.

I hate that he pretended to love me.

I hate that I gave my mind, body and soul to him.

I hate that I regret ever meeting him.

I hate that I didn’t leave the 1st time he hurt me, scared me, lied to me.

I hate that I kept holding on.

I hate that the greatest love of my life has turned out to be my biggest regret.

I hate that he’s happily carrying on.

I hate that I can’t stop thinking of him.

I hate that he’s a narcissist.

I hate him with everything in me.

I hate that no one understands.

I hate that I can’t unlove or un-meet him.

I hate that I can’t figure out how to let go.

I hate that he changed me.

I hate I can’t trust anybody (even myself).

I hate that I’ve lost my joy and my hope.

I hate that this has happened to me.

But mostly I hate that I have all this hate in my heart.

*************************

I wrote that a few weeks ago when I was still confused trying to understand what happened. I was still brokenhearted and hadn’t accepted anything. I think it was just TOO MUCH for me to even try and accept.

But I convinced myself to accept that the truth about my reality of the relationship was distorted.

It wasn’t real, true love.

We definitely weren’t “soulmates”.

There is no such thing as “forever and a day”.

My truths were that I was broken, hopeless and hurting after being discarded. I’ve had to constantly remind myself he did that without thinking twice and never looked back. I made myself believe that it was all fake and I loved an illusion. I know for a fact he cheated on me at least 3 times. And I know now he just used me for a place to stay and money. I also know that none of it’s my fault and I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

Once I accepted everything the anger started setting in. And I hated any and everything that had anything to do with that relationship. He was a very believable actor though… I should have listened to the warnings I got from an ex girlfriend, ex wife and even his own sister. I really should have ran from him knowing he spent time in prison for domestic violence charges. I should have been smarter.

Most of my anger has now shifted to me.

I’m angry at myself for not recognizing the abuse and manipulations when I was always feeling something was “off”. Angry I stood by him no matter what just believing and loving him. I’m angry I lost who I was.

I’m starting to begin to let go of everything ESPECIALLY THE HATRED. He doesn’t get to win!