Accepting the truth about my relationship with David has been just so damn hard. It’s been months since we were even together, and except for a few exchanges here and there, he basically just disappeared without a real explanation. And I just didn’t understand even though I felt things were off.

I can definitely accept the fact were over. That part I get. It hurt and I was sad but I was also relieved because I knew at that point that he was using me for money and acting very single. I was hurt that whoever SHE was, would be getting the best of him- the sober version while I only got the addict.

Facing the truths about the man I had genuinely loved with everything in me was heartbreaking. My mind just would not grasp the fact that he didn’t love me anymore. That he could just meet someone and forget about “the other half of his soul”… Just move on and be with someone else. Not after the way we were, the way he had loved me. I never had ant doubts before. He made me believe in his so-called love for me.

I think when we fall in love with someone we automatically trust in them. We trust in them to trust us, to want us and of course to love us back. And that’s what I did. I had no reason at the time to doubt him- not with the way he pretended to cherish and love me in the beginning. I guess that’s the reason I couldn’t accept he loved someone else more than me.

He hoovered a couple times and I’d start to give in but then he’d show his true feelings by rubbing it in my face that he’d had a few girlfriends since me- as well as sending me pictures of them together! It was so heartless but he obviously saw nothing wrong with it.

So I accepted that I’d been replaced. And I eventually accepted that he didn’t care anything about me and my feelings or the pain he caused. I accepted it was over and I could never let myself be weak for him again because I accepted he didn’t love me.

But the worst pard of it all, the hardest thing to accept has been that he’s a narcissist and never loved me at all. Having to face the truth about all the toxicity, the lies and the fucking betrayals took me a long time.

There were so many truths to accept… And it seemed like everyday I remembered another red flag that I eagerly ignored because the truth hurt too bad. There were so many lies! So many lies about other women! And SO MANY OTHER WOMEN!

So, then I had to accept I played a part in all of it because I allowed it. I didn’t question him about the obvious dating/hook-up sites I’d find in his history, the deleted messages and call logs, the use of texting app, him disappearing, his double standards and hypocrisy. Part of it was I was afraid of what he’d do to me but mostly I didn’t want to face the truth.

But accepting the narcisstic abuse and all that fell into that was another thing. I think I physically felt my heart shatter once I realized it was a “thing”.. that he knew all along I hadn’t cheated… That he preyed on me so he could use me for a place to live and money… That he set out to intentionally destroy me.

But all of it was true. So I recently made myself grasp all of these truths and once I accepted it was a one-sided, fake as fuck thing between us I could start to let go. I had to convince myself I fell in love with an illusion nothing was ever real on his part.

I accepted he used me.

Accepted I’d been played.

And, accepted that I fucked up believing in him, loving him, standing by his side.

Now that I’ve accepted everything for what it truly was I can begin to heal.