I want to un-meet him. Just go back in time and completely erase him from my history. Delete him from my memories. And I needed to remove his last touches from my body.

Realizing that I still was somehow ‘linked’ to him this way was unacceptable to me. I didn’t want any of that replaying in my head.

It truly sickened me that the last touches I felt were from David. Especially knowing all the betrayal… The lies… The cheating. He wasn’t loyal in any way. I just didn’t want it to be my last but I was too scared to seek someone else.

His last touches made so sick because I knew who some of the females were that he cheated on me with. He has no standards. Let’s just say he would f*ck ANY and EVERY chick he came across. And, honestly, it disgusts me.

Being cheated on changes you. Permanently. It kills off your self- esteem and makes you feel like you’re not good enough. It makes you question your self-worth. It makes you ask “what’s wrong with me”. And it sets the tone for your next relationship… Always questioning and never trusting them. It’s really not fair.

He made me feel I wasn’t valued at all. Or respected. It made me feel unlovable and utterly replaceable. I was already insecure but this… This made it a thousand times worse. I felt ugly and fat. I couldn’t stop criticizing myself! I needed to know what was so wrong with me that not only did he have to look elsewhere, but with some nasty- ass whores!!! Gross.

But someone’s got me. He erased those touches and replaced them with his. His kisses. His touches. His loving on me. If feels good to be wanted. As well as when I feel lonely I can look back at intimate times fondly and not want to throw up and get mad.

These touches are soft. Kind. Caring. Trustworthy. Happy. I can rember my last touches with a smile on my face now…

Triangulation. One of the ways a narcissist tries to break you and make you think you’re crazy. It’s adding a 3rd party to your relationship but they’re already in a relationship with the narc. He will use you against each other and try to make both sources jealous.

My triangulation (at least the major one I noticed) was with a good friend (or so I thought she was anyway). She came over one night and I swear I caught them making flirty faces to each other! When I looked up at him he was biting his bottom lip (something he always did to flirt) and they were staring at each other- actually the amount of staring she was doing at him had already gotten on my nerves. So I called them out: “WTF?!?!”

They both said I was mistaken. Maybe if it wasn’t for the fact we were all getting high I might not have believed them.

So the next morning he goes to get quarters for the laundry but doesn’t come back for about 2 hours. He walked in smiling, face red and some bullshit story that he had to go to a few different places and ran into someone he knew. Apparently he didn’t hear the phone when I was calling and texting! And again, I chalked it up to me trippin’ because we were high.

So she calls later that afternoon and she’s hysterically crying. I couldn’t even understand her on the phone. She just kept telling me she loved me and she was sorry… Saying I was her closest friend. It was a wierd enough conversation that I asked her point blank if they had fucked around. He was right there and got mad.

She started saying “I’m your friend.. I wouldn’t do that.”

But my gut instinct told me otherwise. Of course this was just another instance of MANY where I didn’t listen to my internal intuition. Something I now totally regret!

She ends up coming over that night and I was really asking “WTF”… Shes an emotional mess still, talking to David but shutting up when she sees I’m near and/or paying attention. But him??? He’s PISSED! I caught him several times looking at her and shaking his head ‘no’. I remember my heart dropping and just knowing they had fucked around. They both vehemently deny it everytime I bring it up.

So, I ignored the situation and looked the other way. Guess I didn’t want to know the truth. Maybe it just hurt too bad.

So… Things stayed awkward when the three of us were together. I remember a couple things that stood out to me that they did. Him knowing exactly where she lived and jumping out of the car to talk to her before me. Her siding with him if we had an argument. More instances of them staring at each other and making flirty faces. And one of the worst.. she asked what we did all day once and I laughed and said we had sex all day.. she hit him in his leg and her expression said “REALLY???” but I kept my mouth shut. Then I would purposely bring up our sex life and get her mad every time.

I caught them talking to each other behind my back because they would each know things but not from me. I saw he was deleting messages on FB and his phone. He was suddenly getting a lot of calls from private numbers. I downloaded his FB data and saw the they messaged each other very often (yet he was deleting the messages). I finally caught them texting and talking and she said she just needed someone to vent to. I made it clear that them carrying on conversations behind my back was very inappropriate… And suddenly a texting app was on his phone that he kept signed out of.. smh.

She ended up getting together with one of his friends who told her David was cheating on me. She was not happy. And just like that she started refusing to come over and said she hates him now. He started giving me ultimatums- I had to choose between him or her because he was always telling “she’s not your friend”.

This was around the time he started laying hands on me and she saw the bruises, got me in contact with the domestic violence hotline then after learning there was no openings at the shelter she brought me back to him. I thought it was odd she didn’t even offer me to stay and sleep on her couch!

So she was still hating him. Then I answered a call in his phone from a private number- she was surprised it was me. Suddenly she no longer hated him. Which told me they were obviously still having conversations behind my back.

The strange thing was he was constantly accusing me of cheating (projection at it’s finest)!

Once I had a VM from him that went on and on because he forgot to hang up his phone. I hear her voice .. then he says “I was going to come see you tonight anyways” but he talked his way out of that and I ‘forgot’ (ignored) it. But there was always weirdness between those two and I usually ended up feeling like the 3rd wheel.

Fast forward to us being out on the streets… I’d ask if I could come shower or wash clothes and she’d ignore me. But awhile later me and her boyfriend got to talking and doing some comparisons on stories we were told by each of them. They definitely did NOT add up!!!

There were soooooo many lies! She was letting him come shower and eat at her house. She was visiting him in the hospital and bringing him cigarettes. She even did all his laundry for him. And her boyfriend told me David was ALWAYS calling her all hours of the night. And he saw a bunch of texts on her phone and messenger. Once when he showed up at her house David was actually there (and I didn’t know he was there). A lot of situations went down that we got different versions.

I had to face the facts that there wouldn’t be a reason to lie or have different stories unless they were hiding something from me.

Again I called them out.

Again they deny it. But I couldn’t stay a fool and eventually quit talking to her. When she asks what she did to make me ignore her I say “David. You did David.” I tell them both I know without a doubt they both betrayed me. The denials continue on her part but he just ignores me. It really hurts because I truly loved him and she was a close friend and I shared everything with her (David too obviously).

So, I am at the point of acceptance with my triangulation. She still tries to communicate but I’ve blocked her after her story changed to ‘Davids disgusting and I would never be with him’ this coming from the female who always used to tell me how good looking she thought he was.

More lies.

More reasons to believe it happened. No doubt in my mind whatsoever.

My triangulation was heartbreaking and left me thinking ill never be able to trust ANYONE again. And I will always trust my instincts.

I’ve reached the place that I’ll have to accept who you never would be
I can’t afford anymore tears shed
You honestly don’t deserve them
You’ve broken me in so many ways
The worst is not knowing exactly who it was I loved
I wish I could shrug it off and keep moving forward every day
It hurts so deep realizing we were just not real after all
I was nothing more than a fool
In each and every possible way
Believing in someone when the reasons were none
And I’ll never understand why someone could be so cruel
With all your empty promises
I’m left with the bittersweet memories I’ve cherished
They hold no value to you
I was the fool who fell for your lies
Confused by my low self-esteem
I breathed all of you in but then you just sucked the life out of me
It no longer hurts when I think of you loving on someone else
I’ve watched you replay the tape
Nothing’s changed except maybe her name
Because you’re still nothing more than a shell of what a real man should be
You’ve not ever once put somebody ahead of yourself
You’re capable of loving only when it’s convenient for you
You poured salt in my wounds
But it all only proves its not any more real for you with somebody new
Because you’re still a lost soul
So unhappy with yourself
You make everyone close to you that way too
And one day soon I’ll know what it’s like to not have a single
Reason to think about you
You taken everything else
Time is now all I have to myself
It’ll be so much better not spending it with you

#domesticviolence #narcissisticabuse #brokenhearted #staystrong #thrive

Will I really ALWAYS be in love?

https://narcsite.com/2019/07/

I think I finally got my closure today. I reached out to him because I found out he had surgery and he responded basically asking me to stop talking about him and saying that he’s not a narcissist. I caved and had to answer back.

As I sit here in tears for what I thought there was between us and what will never be… I actually do feel a little better. I was able to say exactly how I felt about the things he’d done, things I found out about and why it hurts. I called him out on being a fake and a cheat and with who. I was able to point out exactly why I believe he’s a narcissist. I explained the damage he’s done to me and how hard it is to accept everything that I’ve realized. I made sure he could understand my pain and anger.

I think I can finally try to begin to let go.

Maybe I can even figure out how to forgive him for my own piece of mind.

He tried saying we just grew apart but I was able to describe how it was so much more than that. I told him how I knew about all the other women and the lies. How I didn’t understand his cruelty and all the pain and terror it’s caused me (not to mention all the therapy I’m having to go through). I told him I knew he never loved me but was just using me. Basically, I purged every thought and feeling I had about what the relationship has put me through. Even how I can’t seem to let my guard down enough to let someone else in.

Im not sure what I expect. I think it’s too late for any apologies (not that they would even be sincere) and I definitely don’t want him back. I guess I just want him to “get it”.. to understand what he’s put me through and the repercussions of it all.

In a way I want to hurt him back. At least make him feel bad. Maybe I’m even hoping he’ll tell me I’m wrong about everything. Or that he loves me still so then I could shit on him. Maybe I’m just wanting him to say it was real.

But sitting here with these tears rolling down my face I know none of those things matter and nothing would change any of if at all. I know it’s a closed chapter. Besides I wouldn’t believe him anyways. It’s just so sad to me that what I thought too be a “magical, fairy-tale” romance… A “beautiful love story” and what was supposed to be “forever and a day” with my “dream come true”, my “soulmate”, my “twinflame”… was nothing more than a farce.

All the things he taught me about love (never giving up, true love is forever, and so on) it was all just pretend. Even our horoscopes which used to make us say “oh my God” because of how accurate we’d say it was with both of us being fire signs… Even that turned out to be untrue. Maybe it was just never meant to be after all.

They say everybody that comes into your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I can’t decide which. A part of me still believes some of us had to be real- him crying when he couldn’t find me, the feelings when we made love, the way he’d take care if me and pick the glass out of my feet, give me a flower every day, write me notes and poems, remember every special occasion.. these things just couldn’t be fake. But I guess to someone playing a game that’s all it was. He was just playing a part in the game. The game of breaking me down and destroying me. I’ll never understand why he chose ME.

But for as broken as I am, I’ve realized it’s fight or flight at this point. Two weeks ago I was giving up and praying every night to take my last breath. Ready to overdose on anything I could get my hands on. Trying to figure out how to tie a rope that would hold me. But I know it’s not fair because through it all I have a great group of people that care, that love me, that are always there. And I’ve got three boys that I would devastate. And I don’t want to face the emarrassment of failing at it again.

So I’m in fight mode.

He doesn’t get to win.

And I feel maybe I can start to move on or maybe it’s just time. I’m not holding on to anything anyways.. what?!?! To be put down? Called names? Tormented? Manipulated? Cheated on? Lied to? Made to believe I’m not good enough? Hit? Stay scared? Yeah, my head knows there’s nothing I’m missing but my heart still remembers how he made me love him. But looking back there really wasn’t that many good times at all.

So I’m dealing with the heartless way he dumped me like yesterday’s trash as soon as I had nothing to offer him anymore… for someone new and younger. It hurts but that’s when I tell myself it was a blessing in disguise. It was God doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I deserved better than to be used, undervalued and made to feel unworthy.

So David was a lesson. I shouldn’t never have settled and trusted my intuitions from the gate. I should have walked away as soon as he began to disrespect me and treat me like an option. I should have made him leave the second I became afraid of him- definitely as soon as he put hands on me. I should have never been made to believe I was worthless and unlovable.

Spilling my guts to him and by telling him exactly what I thought and why… How he’s made me feel… helped me a lot today. It hurt and the tears flowed, it took my breath away too but I needed to feel those things so some of the grief I feel can subsides. Maybe now I can give the sweet, kind guy who puts a smile on my face the chance to show me not all guys are like my ex.

So in giving my perspective in a calm, polite manner maybe he’ll hear my words but it doesn’t really matter because it feels like I got some closure.

Finally.

The grief is real, intense and raw. It fills my heart and devours my soul. I can physically feel the grief with headaches and an upset stomach as well as in my neck- it hurts so bad I can’t turn it to the left. But mostly I feel it in my shattered heart .

A heart so broken that the pieces will probably never fit back together again. A heart that has been built up with love-bombing and made to believe it was being cherished. A heart that used to have so much love to give but not anymore. This heart is all consumed with grief.

It will wash over me and fill up my soul thinking about how hard my heart has been broken and how many times. It crushes any hope I have for the future. The grief defeats me in every way. I only escape in rare moments throughout the day when my brain actually isn’t honed in on him.

I need to face reality because it’s not about HIM. He wasn’t real. I’m grieving over losing who I thought he was.. my dream come true that was nothing but a lie. The grief is for a love that never was. Times that were fake. Promises that we’re never intended to keep. A future with the man I love and growing old side by side.

The grief can be explosive- it will come on very suddenly. Like a slap in my face. It takes my breath away thinking of everything having been meaningless. I almost drown in the tears I cry thinking back to all the signs I ignored about other women or him being on dating sites. So many lies and falsehoods. Who does this? It shakes me to my core.

Sometimes my grief is subtle and comes in small waves like today. I run across a picture of us and remember that special time only to remind myself he’s dead and those times meant nothing. Instead of bursting in to tears and having a meltdown I’ll take a deep breath, shed a small tear and say “it’s ok.. It won’t always hurt this bad”… I hope.

I’m grieving for myself. Somewhere in all this mess I completely disappeared. I had to follow rules about where I went, who I talked to even what I could wear. Gone was the silly, sarcastic me.. gone was the good mom I once was and gone was the girl who hoped for a better life and future. I was lost. And going through the hell he put me through made me lose more and more of myself everyday. So I grieve for me.

Being in constant grief has changed me. It’s hard to muster up a smile or laugh with my friends. I don’t have that joy and hope. My nights are filled with unwanted memories and and emptiness… Usually I pray I just don’t wake up. The sadness is overwhelming. But I can’t escape the grief.

The most popular advice/response to my relationship ending and the endless amount of hurt, anger and regret is “Move on”. If I’m explaining to a friend all the reasons I’m so consumed with my C-PTSD they enevitably tell me to move on. If I’m venting about the pain and shock I’m still reeling in accepting it was all a farce they say move on. If I’m re-living the pain (because it still hurts like it’s new) about all the cheating and lies they tell me to move on. I wish I could.

Moving on though seems so far out of my grasp. Not when there’s this much grief, shame and guilt running through me. I have to constantly remind myself time will heal this and remember to look back at where I was emotionally a month ago- when I couldn’t imagine even smiling again and thinking I would rather kill myself then hurt like that over him anymore.

But I survived. I made it through and some amazing stuff is happening. It felt so good to have a sweet and flirty conversation with someone else! To feel wanted and admired. To not feel worthless but ‘enough’. And giving in knowing that my narc won’t be the last one that touched me was worth it.

Everyday, little by little, l realize I am moving on. I actually wake up without him on my mind. I can go for hours without thinking about him. I know things weren’t my fault and he’s just a sick and twisted soul sucking parasite. I’m accepting of the whole narcissistic abuse cycle and the fact I went through it.

No- I SURVIVED IT! He doesn’t get to win. He didn’t ruin me for life after all. He didn’t take away my ability to to love and be compassionate. He didn’t steal all my joy because I can still choose to be happy. He didn’t actually end up destroying me forever like I thought.. sure I’ll never trust people (men) as easy as I did- I’m definitely hyper-vigilant to dating but my hope is still coming back a little every day. Just a little bit.

Do I still hate him? Obviously. And I still holdfast to the facts that karma is going to catch up to him someday and he’s going to have to answer to God about things he’s done to me. I know I should just move on but it’s a process. Just like being trauma-bonded to him as well as addicted to him… it’s gonna take awhile to move on. And I’m ok with that today .