So I read there’s 3 phases a narcissist puts his chosen “supply”through.

1. Golden times/love bombing

2. Devaluation.

3. Discard

It really blows my mind and I just can’t seem to accept that the “magical” “fairy-tale romance” with my “soulmate” and “twin flame” wasn’t real. I loved him dammit. I willingly gave him all of me: my heart, body and soul. He was my best friend.

But now, I HATE HIM. Knowing the things he did behind my back.. lying, cheating and drugging me and so on.. I regret everything. The last year and a half was all just a game.

I gave him everything and then I lost everything. I’m so angry for all the wasted times and losses (not to mention tears and heartaches). He carried on in 2 other relationships our entire relationship!

The phase of devaluation was painful.And remembering all the times I would look at him with my heart breaking.. wondering what was happening to him . Why was he falling apart? Where did he go? Thinking it was some kind of mental breakdown and I was so worried about him especially when he became angry and/or violent.. I tolerated the abuse. I thought maybe he got some bad dope. Maybe it was PTSD. It hurt me to watch him fall apart and being so obsessive with about thinking I was cheating on him.

He became paranoid. He thought I was sneaking guys in. Thought I was writing in code. Then the cameras- everywhere! He thought I was poisoning him so he wouldn’t eat anything I made or he’d make me take a bite first. Ultimately he ended up making me a prisoner in my own home by screwing every window and door shut from the inside out. I still remember the look on his face as well as I can still hear him laugh when I ran from him only to find out I couldn’t get out. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. Not even to do laundry. I had to stay in the bathroom while he showered. He watched me 24/7 and was hardly gone (he could stream the cameras right to his phone) it was insane.

In the phase of him destroying me is when the violence started. He put his hands around my neck and started squeezing pushing in the closet and covering my face so nobody would hear me. He wouldn’t let me leave.. one time I turned my back on him (because I thought he was gonna hit me) and I fell. When I looked in his face I didn’t recognize the man I loved- his beautiful, bright blue eyes were black and very small his face contorted and his expression was evil.. scary. Then he kicked me. Looked right in my eyes and started kicking me… Some nights he just tormented me (like on my birthday). He kept pretending he was gonna set me and the entire house on fire.. held a pillow over my face til I went limp.. made me stay in the shower because it was gonna be “easier to clean up the mess” as he kept acting like he was gonna stab me with his knife. And I stayed because I felt sorry for him. I didn’t accept “my David” would hurt me. And now Im realizing it was all some kind of sick game he was playing with me. He was doing all these things to intentionally to hurt me! And the whole time I supported and helped him and stood by his side hiding my bruises. He knew exactly what he was doing and it was all planned out. Even all the emotional and mental abuse. Making me think I was crazy. Manipulating me all the time and pushing my limits like he was testing me to see how loyal I was or maybe to see how far he could push things and get away with it all. He was purposely breaking me down with his constant and sometimes absurd accusations that I was cheating. And it worked…

And then came the phase of discard. He started a petty fight that was confusing me and threatened to leave and never talk to me again. I was so pissed I said “leave then” so he did. To be with his “new supply”. Use her for a place to live. It fucking killed me. Like I was literally dead on the inside. I intentionally overdosed and he came to see me in the ICU.. told me he loved me blah, blah, blah. But then he said he was taking back his vows we said before God. But swore there was no one else. He said “don’t make you be part of my fourth step” so I told him he WAS my fourth step. The heartache that followed was unbearable. I couldn’t stop the tears. I had A LOT of breakdowns trying to accept that he didn’t love me anymore.. that there would never be a “forever and a day” like he promised. All his promises were broken. We didn’t end up being “OK”… And he definitely let me fall. I didn’t talk to him for 6 weeks while he was busy loving her. I had to convince myself that nothing was real. I purged “everything David”.. burned it all and cried as I watched the stuffed owl, the letters, the poems, some T-shirts the crafts he had made me BURN. But it gave some relief. We were just gone. I was totally dumped once I had nothing else to offer him. Replaced. Discarded.

And then came the phase of hoovering. One day as I was walking out the gates he was walking up saying “we were supposed to be forever and a day” and he got me. He was sorry and regretted everything. He begged me to forgive him. Said he couldn’t live without me. .. that I was his other half. The other half of his soul. And I fell for it all. I wouldn’t listen to anyone’s advice to stay away from him. Of course they were all right. I realized he came back because he needed money. Needed sex. Needed to have someone loving him. But I started to see right through him as he started changing… Hardly talking to me, being short on the phone, stopped saying he loved me, didn’t show me any affection… So asked if there was someone else and he lied to me (again) swearing there wasn’t. But there was. This time I didn’t breakdown. It was as if I expected it. At that point I knew I was just a joke to him and he didn’t love me at all. So I started accepting it was over. Started hating him. But I also started personally thriving. I found myself again. Got a place, a car and a job. Then he called.

It was so hard to hear his voice because as much as I hated him I still wanted him to love me again like I loved him. I thought the call was because he missed me and he said he did. And missed the sex. Then he said something about a girlfriend and I went numb. I had no words. After he explained that he’d had 2 girlfriends since we broke up I told him I had go. “What’s wrong ?” He asked. It was like a knife stabbed me in my heart. I had no words and just hung up. The cruel discard.

So then came the phase of truth. I had found out about all the lying and cheating he had done behind my back. Told people he was just mind-fucking me throughout the relationship. So I had no choice but to accept it was all fake. I realized I wasn’t in love with him just who he pretended to be. I loved an illusion. I kept telling myself David was dead and gone. There was nothing to love anymore. And the sadness started fading away.

But now I’m in the phase of anger. It sets in deep in my mind and soul. I didn’t know my heart could hold so much hatred. Especially after he emailed me pics of his girlfriend and him together. Informing me she was 20 years younger than me. She could give him babies. And they were getting married (it’s like his 100th engagement- that’s his m.o.). Of course he uses social media to inform everyone how he’s finally happy and loves his life and has the best girl in the world and everything is just totally perfect for him. But it’s been almost 3 months.. pretty soon he’ll stick to the phases and he’ll start slowly breaking her down mentally. He’ll unfortunately probably put hands on her too. He’ll lie and cheat behind her back. He’ll get bored and eventually discard her because he’ll find someone new. It’s what he does. Every. Single. Time.

So realizing that what he put me through is an actual THING and was planned out and destroyed me on purpose was so painful. And the visions of him with all the girls he cheated on me with are all to real… all the lies I can now see through, all the red flags I missed- it’s hard to face the truth. My heart still aches but I know it’s not aching for David. It aches for who he pretended to be. And I’m so full of regrets! It’s embarrassing because I was such a fool. Completely gullible because I wanted to be loved so bad. I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like he did.. for still believing in him. But as the AA Big Book says on page 417: “And acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems.”

So I’m working on that so I can get to the next phase of this narcissistic nightmare of healing.. HEALING. PEACE. THRIVING.

So it was all just a THING full of phases like everything I’ve read about narcissistic abuse. So I’m teaching myself to trust my gut and pay close attention to the next guy. To set boundaries and stick to them. To not let anyone in until I REALLY know them and trust them. To see through facades. Those are my new phases I’ll be going through now. But first I’ve got to learn to love myself again so I’ll know my worth and will not tolerate disrespect, abuse or games… He doesn’t get to win!

The final phase is GAME OVER. No contact ever again. Block him on everything and don’t check his social media. Let go, and figure out a way to forgive him so I can move on. Be strong and confident enough to recognize the fake ‘love-bombing’ and manipulation. To be me and put myself first… No more games. It’s over.

Because you didn’t want to lose him, you lost yourself in the process.

You became a girl who kept being mistreated and you formed a habit of saying “I’m used to it”. You became a girl who kept being unappreciated and you began to tell yourself “It’s okay”. You became a girl who kept being undervalued and you learned how to say “I’m fine”. You became a girl who kept being put last and you naturally reacted with “It’s whatever”. You became a girl who kept being taken for granted and you dealt with it by repeating “Everything’s okay”. You became a girl who kept being unhappy and you regularly told people “I’m gonna be fine”. And if you’re reading this right now, then you need to understand that no guy is worth losing yourself for, no guy is worth suffering for at the expense of your happiness, and no guy is worth tormenting yourself over for the sake of making him happy. At this point, perhaps losing him is the only way you’d be able to get yourself back because as much as you wouldn’t want this to be true, he’s the only thing that’s in your way of finding yourself and he’s the only reason you’ve lost yourself for so long.

So totally and completely ON POINT… Gave me chills.

https://narcsite.com/2016/12/05/eyes-wide-shut-2/

I am a bad person really.

I will only hurt you.

You should stay away from me.

I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.

I will make you wish you had never met me.

It will go wrong, it always does.

You will end up hating me.

You don’t know what you are getting into with me.

You shouldn’t do this.

You should leave while you can.

This is going to turn out badly.

I have to hurt people.

I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.

I just want to fit in.

I’m not what you think I am.

I fucking hate you
And I love you
But I wish I’d never met you
And I don’t know how to make it without you
Our passion runs deep
Every time that we meet
I can’t seem to leave you alone
I need you
I want you
Deep down though I know I can’t have you
Stay
Please just go away
Why the fuck do you keep coming back?
You string me along with these false hopes
Promising to fill my all my desires
Real, true intimacy exists between us
But the price I pay keeps me lost
When there’s space between us
My soul still longs for only you
A love so intense
Oh so true
A part of me died the day I met you
Our love flows so deep
I truly believe there’s no me without you
Sometimes our passion ignites such a fire
Then there’s the times that there’s not a light
You keep me lovingly ensnared
Yes I crave your touch
I need your time
Though I wish you just let me go
Leave me and my heart alone
Just give me back my soul
All my dreams that you stole
Me and my self-worth
Let your ugliness keep you away
After the deep scars you left in every part of me
Can’t believe I pieced back together some brokenness
Finding some of myself once again
But my love for you is real and true
Honestly, I just don’t know how not to love you
Can’t imagine if I was able to let you go
You’ve brought me such pain and definitely misery
You deserve not a thing from me
But you’re still who I want
To love me forever
We both know that’s not how our story ends
You take and deplete
Forever hating myself
Without you I still might have hope
Let’s try this again
This is goodbye, my love
There’s nothing left of me to destroy
Emptiness is how you’ve filled my voids
So, fuck you
Stupid fucking meth

Every. Single. Thing.

It all seems pointless. Recovery, healing, letting go, job training, fighting, even having hope.. pointless.

Obviously I can’t recover… As soon as everything is going good I find reasons to pick up again. Even just using is pointless when I’m not even getting the numbing I want. Guess he was right and maybe all I’ll ever be is a pathetic addict.

And how the fuck am I supposed to make sense of anything from the last 6 years? The emotional abuse and just straight mind fuckery that’s gone on in my last two relationships has me destroyed. Especially the last one! How do I heal from something that wasn’t real? A facade of someone I loved? He used me, abused me then blantly discarded me like trash for someone else- twice! How do I forgive myself for allowing it to happen? I’m forever changed by this man (boy) and all his cruelty. He manipulated me in every way possible. He’s instilled a level if untrust and terror in me that is so unfair. I can’t even verbalize the physical.

And the physical stuff is what makes it so hard to let go. I can still feel the terror of thinking I was taking my last breath.. the hits.. the kicks.. most of all the suffocations.

And what’s the point in trying to better myself and start a new career? Half the time I can’t even make myself get up and shower! How do I find the will to move forward? To find a purpose again after having my whole sense of self worth stripped from me? It never gets better and I end up in the same vicious cycle of hopelessness.

So why fight? For anything really. Myself? Depleated, defeated and hopeless. My recovery? Not worth it when I just chronically relapse. My little boy? He deserves so much better than a mom who chose someone and something’s over him.. a mom that hurts him like I have by not staying clean and being weak enough to fall apart. My life? What life. I merely exist surrounded by these four walls trapped in the hell that runs through my mind 24/7. My friends and family? So I can disappoint them and let them down again? And I’ve got some really awesome people that truly care about me too.

But I’m empty. I hate the bod side of me that just can’t let go and move on. It’s just impossible to accept the pain or something. Too much to bear. So then I disassociate from everyone and everything. I find myself praying to take my last breaths, researching ways to end my life. And I know that’s gonna be the end.. two serious attempts before but I’m just so worried about how it will affect my boys but soon the hell is gonna be too much.. they don’t need a mess like me. I’ve already proved how unreliable I am. So it’s just a matter of when because I really am done and completely, utterly hopeless and that makes EVERYTHING just totally pointless.

Where did I go? I’m not at all sure but I am most definitely GONE. It’s hard for me to even remember who I was, what I was like… Ive been so stripped of myself I can’t picture it. I know I used to laugh but now I can’t find any reason to smile. I know I used to be silly and sarcastic but now my mind is paralyzed with fear, anger, shame and sadness. I know I used to be loving and kind but now I’m just empty. I know I used to be a mom but I can’t trust myself anymore. I used to be motivated and hope but today I’m filled with nothing but hopelessness.

He destroyed me. He took all those things away from me and the worst part is I let him. I believed in him- everything about him so when the abuse started happening I justified it and made excuses for him. I knew something was always off but couldn’t quite explain it. He put the act of loving me so perfectly how could I ever doubt him? Never once did it even cross my mind that this was all some game to him… That he was using me and I didn’t matter to him at all. Even when he started rumors I was cheating on him and just terrible things he made up about me in general, I thought it was his emotional health suffering so I stood by him trying to help him. Some days it was so unbearable. I’m ashamed to say I even got physical back with him. But I was no match for the nights of torment he put me through, making me sincerely believe my life was over.

Now, I don’t know how to come back. Do I even want to? It all seems so pointless.. trying to summon up the will to “recover” from the narcissistic abuse that has put me in a C-PTSD nightmare. I wake up with it all on my mind. It’s like a broken record playing in my head over and over again. I can’t stop obsessing over every detail of the entire relationship… all the signs and red flags I ignored. Maybe it was too much for me to handle. So my days now are filled with such an emptiness. I’ll get stuck in a thought or memory, staring off into space with tears rolling down my cheeks and next thing you now 5 hours has passed. I either sleep way too much or not at all. He even invades my dreams! I’m always on the verge of tears. I shake, I don’t eat, my anxiety is through the roof. And I let this happen!

The shame and guilt I feel at not being stronger is eating me alive. Any “normal” girl would have told him to fuck off immediately. But I just couldn’t. I just held onto that fantasy love I thought we had.. but looking back there really wasn’t anything to hold on to. Just lies. Fakeness. Betrayal. Deciept. So I don’t if it’s possible to come back. I’m at the point where I just give up because what’s there to fight for? I know that’s letting him win and I don’t care anymore. He did win. He succeeded at destroying me. I’ll never let anyone close to me again. I’ll never trust anyone. I’ll never trust myself. So where did I go??? I don’t know but I’m gone.

My mind just can’t grasp all this. Narcissistic abuse… Every article I read rips my heart into pieces. This hell was all planned and calculated? He never was sincere in anything he told me? He was a fake and a liar and a cheat.. he was only with me until I no longer served him a purpose (we got evicted and cleaned up and I didn’t have anything left to offer him) he moved right on to his next “supply”.

Hurts.

Really. Fucking. Hurts.

Its so hard for me to accept because IT WAS REAL TO ME! I honestly, truly loved him and believed in him with every ounce of my being.

He was my dream come true- loving, kind, compassionate and so gorgeous. I used to think I could see the love he had for me in his eyes. I even confessed he’s the first person to ever make me feel unconditionally loved. God I was so gullible!

He wrote me poems, hid sweet little notes everywhere for me to find, picked me a flower every day, made playlists for me… Damn. He gave an Oscar worthy performance. I never doubted him. I put him first above everything. Especially myself.

That was the “love-bombing”. Then he started accusing me of cheating and always making sure I knew other females wanted him.. making me insecure. His acccusations would start the second I got up to when I cried myself to sleep. And they made no sense. Just completely outlandish and ridiculous. Then I saw him change.

He hurt me. On purpose. It went way beyond just knocking me around. He made sure I was scared to death of him with his threats of taking my life, choking me, suffocating me, playing Russian roulette with his knife and he would do the crazy ass manipulations having me convinced of all kinds of crap that was not even happening. Then I started waking up feeling like I had a hangover and not remembering a thing about the previous nights covered in handprints, bruises and scratches. He had me believing someone was breaking into our house, drugging me then having their way with me. Now I know better and it sickens me.

I was gone. He sucked the life right out of me. I had no fight I would just agree and take it and keep trying to convince him I loved him. But it just kept getting worse. He smutted me up good too. To anyone he could get to listen.. playing his recordings of me saying it was me and another guy. He mocked me, belittled me and degraded me all for his sick, twisted amusement. He most definitely let me fall to the point I didn’t care about anything.

Now.. it’s a thing. Everything I’m learning and recognizing about narcissist personality disorder is basically telling my story. Every article I read gives me another recollection. Looking back, there were so many red flags I very foolishly ignored. There were so many signs and hints as to what he was really up to but I didn’t want to believe them so I’d look the other way and rarely challenged him.

So, yeah.. wtf. What the fuck is wrong me?

https://www.quora.com/share/Post-Traumatic-Stress-After-Narcissistic-Abuse-Narcissism-Free-1?ch=99&share=4d752d35&srid=fC5oL