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My Closure

| I am Destroyed

I think I finally got my closure today. I reached out to him because I found out he had surgery and he responded basically asking me to stop talking about him and saying that he’s not a narcissist. I caved and had to answer back.

As I sit here in tears for what I thought there was between us and what will never be… I actually do feel a little better. I was able to say exactly how I felt about the things he’d done, things I found out about and why it hurts. I called him out on being a fake and a cheat and with who. I was able to point out exactly why I believe he’s a narcissist. I explained the damage he’s done to me and how hard it is to accept everything that I’ve realized. I made sure he could understand my pain and anger.

I think I can finally try to begin to let go.

Maybe I can even figure out how to forgive him for my own piece of mind.

He tried saying we just grew apart but I was able to describe how it was so much more than that. I told him how I knew about all the other women and the lies. How I didn’t understand his cruelty and all the pain and terror it’s caused me (not to mention all the therapy I’m having to go through). I told him I knew he never loved me but was just using me. Basically, I purged every thought and feeling I had about what the relationship has put me through. Even how I can’t seem to let my guard down enough to let someone else in.

Im not sure what I expect. I think it’s too late for any apologies (not that they would even be sincere) and I definitely don’t want him back. I guess I just want him to “get it”.. to understand what he’s put me through and the repercussions of it all.

In a way I want to hurt him back. At least make him feel bad. Maybe I’m even hoping he’ll tell me I’m wrong about everything. Or that he loves me still so then I could shit on him. Maybe I’m just wanting him to say it was real.

But sitting here with these tears rolling down my face I know none of those things matter and nothing would change any of if at all. I know it’s a closed chapter. Besides I wouldn’t believe him anyways. It’s just so sad to me that what I thought too be a “magical, fairy-tale” romance… A “beautiful love story” and what was supposed to be “forever and a day” with my “dream come true”, my “soulmate”, my “twinflame”… was nothing more than a farce.

All the things he taught me about love (never giving up, true love is forever, and so on) it was all just pretend. Even our horoscopes which used to make us say “oh my God” because of how accurate we’d say it was with both of us being fire signs… Even that turned out to be untrue. Maybe it was just never meant to be after all.

They say everybody that comes into your life is either a blessing or a lesson. I can’t decide which. A part of me still believes some of us had to be real- him crying when he couldn’t find me, the feelings when we made love, the way he’d take care if me and pick the glass out of my feet, give me a flower every day, write me notes and poems, remember every special occasion.. these things just couldn’t be fake. But I guess to someone playing a game that’s all it was. He was just playing a part in the game. The game of breaking me down and destroying me. I’ll never understand why he chose ME.

But for as broken as I am, I’ve realized it’s fight or flight at this point. Two weeks ago I was giving up and praying every night to take my last breath. Ready to overdose on anything I could get my hands on. Trying to figure out how to tie a rope that would hold me. But I know it’s not fair because through it all I have a great group of people that care, that love me, that are always there. And I’ve got three boys that I would devastate. And I don’t want to face the emarrassment of failing at it again.

So I’m in fight mode.

He doesn’t get to win.

And I feel maybe I can start to move on or maybe it’s just time. I’m not holding on to anything anyways.. what?!?! To be put down? Called names? Tormented? Manipulated? Cheated on? Lied to? Made to believe I’m not good enough? Hit? Stay scared? Yeah, my head knows there’s nothing I’m missing but my heart still remembers how he made me love him. But looking back there really wasn’t that many good times at all.

So I’m dealing with the heartless way he dumped me like yesterday’s trash as soon as I had nothing to offer him anymore… for someone new and younger. It hurts but that’s when I tell myself it was a blessing in disguise. It was God doing for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I deserved better than to be used, undervalued and made to feel unworthy.

So David was a lesson. I shouldn’t never have settled and trusted my intuitions from the gate. I should have walked away as soon as he began to disrespect me and treat me like an option. I should have made him leave the second I became afraid of him- definitely as soon as he put hands on me. I should have never been made to believe I was worthless and unlovable.

Spilling my guts to him and by telling him exactly what I thought and why… How he’s made me feel… helped me a lot today. It hurt and the tears flowed, it took my breath away too but I needed to feel those things so some of the grief I feel can subsides. Maybe now I can give the sweet, kind guy who puts a smile on my face the chance to show me not all guys are like my ex.

So in giving my perspective in a calm, polite manner maybe he’ll hear my words but it doesn’t really matter because it feels like I got some closure.

Finally.

The Grief

| I am Destroyed

The grief is real, intense and raw. It fills my heart and devours my soul. I can physically feel the grief with headaches and an upset stomach as well as in my neck- it hurts so bad I can’t turn it to the left. But mostly I feel it in my shattered heart .

A heart so broken that the pieces will probably never fit back together again. A heart that has been built up with love-bombing and made to believe it was being cherished. A heart that used to have so much love to give but not anymore. This heart is all consumed with grief.

It will wash over me and fill up my soul thinking about how hard my heart has been broken and how many times. It crushes any hope I have for the future. The grief defeats me in every way. I only escape in rare moments throughout the day when my brain actually isn’t honed in on him.

I need to face reality because it’s not about HIM. He wasn’t real. I’m grieving over losing who I thought he was.. my dream come true that was nothing but a lie. The grief is for a love that never was. Times that were fake. Promises that we’re never intended to keep. A future with the man I love and growing old side by side.

The grief can be explosive- it will come on very suddenly. Like a slap in my face. It takes my breath away thinking of everything having been meaningless. I almost drown in the tears I cry thinking back to all the signs I ignored about other women or him being on dating sites. So many lies and falsehoods. Who does this? It shakes me to my core.

Sometimes my grief is subtle and comes in small waves like today. I run across a picture of us and remember that special time only to remind myself he’s dead and those times meant nothing. Instead of bursting in to tears and having a meltdown I’ll take a deep breath, shed a small tear and say “it’s ok.. It won’t always hurt this bad”… I hope.

I’m grieving for myself. Somewhere in all this mess I completely disappeared. I had to follow rules about where I went, who I talked to even what I could wear. Gone was the silly, sarcastic me.. gone was the good mom I once was and gone was the girl who hoped for a better life and future. I was lost. And going through the hell he put me through made me lose more and more of myself everyday. So I grieve for me.

Being in constant grief has changed me. It’s hard to muster up a smile or laugh with my friends. I don’t have that joy and hope. My nights are filled with unwanted memories and and emptiness… Usually I pray I just don’t wake up. The sadness is overwhelming. But I can’t escape the grief.

Move On

| I am Destroyed

The most popular advice/response to my relationship ending and the endless amount of hurt, anger and regret is “Move on”. If I’m explaining to a friend all the reasons I’m so consumed with my C-PTSD they enevitably tell me to move on. If I’m venting about the pain and shock I’m still reeling in accepting it was all a farce they say move on. If I’m re-living the pain (because it still hurts like it’s new) about all the cheating and lies they tell me to move on. I wish I could.

Moving on though seems so far out of my grasp. Not when there’s this much grief, shame and guilt running through me. I have to constantly remind myself time will heal this and remember to look back at where I was emotionally a month ago- when I couldn’t imagine even smiling again and thinking I would rather kill myself then hurt like that over him anymore.

But I survived. I made it through and some amazing stuff is happening. It felt so good to have a sweet and flirty conversation with someone else! To feel wanted and admired. To not feel worthless but ‘enough’. And giving in knowing that my narc won’t be the last one that touched me was worth it.

Everyday, little by little, l realize I am moving on. I actually wake up without him on my mind. I can go for hours without thinking about him. I know things weren’t my fault and he’s just a sick and twisted soul sucking parasite. I’m accepting of the whole narcissistic abuse cycle and the fact I went through it.

No- I SURVIVED IT! He doesn’t get to win. He didn’t ruin me for life after all. He didn’t take away my ability to to love and be compassionate. He didn’t steal all my joy because I can still choose to be happy. He didn’t actually end up destroying me forever like I thought.. sure I’ll never trust people (men) as easy as I did- I’m definitely hyper-vigilant to dating but my hope is still coming back a little every day. Just a little bit.

Do I still hate him? Obviously. And I still holdfast to the facts that karma is going to catch up to him someday and he’s going to have to answer to God about things he’s done to me. I know I should just move on but it’s a process. Just like being trauma-bonded to him as well as addicted to him… it’s gonna take awhile to move on. And I’m ok with that today .

Phases

| I am Destroyed

So I read there’s 3 phases a narcissist puts his chosen “supply”through.

1. Golden times/love bombing

2. Devaluation.

3. Discard

It really blows my mind and I just can’t seem to accept that the “magical” “fairy-tale romance” with my “soulmate” and “twin flame” wasn’t real. I loved him dammit. I willingly gave him all of me: my heart, body and soul. He was my best friend.

But now, I HATE HIM. Knowing the things he did behind my back.. lying, cheating and drugging me and so on.. I regret everything. The last year and a half was all just a game.

I gave him everything and then I lost everything. I’m so angry for all the wasted times and losses (not to mention tears and heartaches). He carried on in 2 other relationships our entire relationship!

The phase of devaluation was painful.And remembering all the times I would look at him with my heart breaking.. wondering what was happening to him . Why was he falling apart? Where did he go? Thinking it was some kind of mental breakdown and I was so worried about him especially when he became angry and/or violent.. I tolerated the abuse. I thought maybe he got some bad dope. Maybe it was PTSD. It hurt me to watch him fall apart and being so obsessive with about thinking I was cheating on him.

He became paranoid. He thought I was sneaking guys in. Thought I was writing in code. Then the cameras- everywhere! He thought I was poisoning him so he wouldn’t eat anything I made or he’d make me take a bite first. Ultimately he ended up making me a prisoner in my own home by screwing every window and door shut from the inside out. I still remember the look on his face as well as I can still hear him laugh when I ran from him only to find out I couldn’t get out. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere. Not even to do laundry. I had to stay in the bathroom while he showered. He watched me 24/7 and was hardly gone (he could stream the cameras right to his phone) it was insane.

In the phase of him destroying me is when the violence started. He put his hands around my neck and started squeezing pushing in the closet and covering my face so nobody would hear me. He wouldn’t let me leave.. one time I turned my back on him (because I thought he was gonna hit me) and I fell. When I looked in his face I didn’t recognize the man I loved- his beautiful, bright blue eyes were black and very small his face contorted and his expression was evil.. scary. Then he kicked me. Looked right in my eyes and started kicking me… Some nights he just tormented me (like on my birthday). He kept pretending he was gonna set me and the entire house on fire.. held a pillow over my face til I went limp.. made me stay in the shower because it was gonna be “easier to clean up the mess” as he kept acting like he was gonna stab me with his knife. And I stayed because I felt sorry for him. I didn’t accept “my David” would hurt me. And now Im realizing it was all some kind of sick game he was playing with me. He was doing all these things to intentionally to hurt me! And the whole time I supported and helped him and stood by his side hiding my bruises. He knew exactly what he was doing and it was all planned out. Even all the emotional and mental abuse. Making me think I was crazy. Manipulating me all the time and pushing my limits like he was testing me to see how loyal I was or maybe to see how far he could push things and get away with it all. He was purposely breaking me down with his constant and sometimes absurd accusations that I was cheating. And it worked…

And then came the phase of discard. He started a petty fight that was confusing me and threatened to leave and never talk to me again. I was so pissed I said “leave then” so he did. To be with his “new supply”. Use her for a place to live. It fucking killed me. Like I was literally dead on the inside. I intentionally overdosed and he came to see me in the ICU.. told me he loved me blah, blah, blah. But then he said he was taking back his vows we said before God. But swore there was no one else. He said “don’t make you be part of my fourth step” so I told him he WAS my fourth step. The heartache that followed was unbearable. I couldn’t stop the tears. I had A LOT of breakdowns trying to accept that he didn’t love me anymore.. that there would never be a “forever and a day” like he promised. All his promises were broken. We didn’t end up being “OK”… And he definitely let me fall. I didn’t talk to him for 6 weeks while he was busy loving her. I had to convince myself that nothing was real. I purged “everything David”.. burned it all and cried as I watched the stuffed owl, the letters, the poems, some T-shirts the crafts he had made me BURN. But it gave some relief. We were just gone. I was totally dumped once I had nothing else to offer him. Replaced. Discarded.

And then came the phase of hoovering. One day as I was walking out the gates he was walking up saying “we were supposed to be forever and a day” and he got me. He was sorry and regretted everything. He begged me to forgive him. Said he couldn’t live without me. .. that I was his other half. The other half of his soul. And I fell for it all. I wouldn’t listen to anyone’s advice to stay away from him. Of course they were all right. I realized he came back because he needed money. Needed sex. Needed to have someone loving him. But I started to see right through him as he started changing… Hardly talking to me, being short on the phone, stopped saying he loved me, didn’t show me any affection… So asked if there was someone else and he lied to me (again) swearing there wasn’t. But there was. This time I didn’t breakdown. It was as if I expected it. At that point I knew I was just a joke to him and he didn’t love me at all. So I started accepting it was over. Started hating him. But I also started personally thriving. I found myself again. Got a place, a car and a job. Then he called.

It was so hard to hear his voice because as much as I hated him I still wanted him to love me again like I loved him. I thought the call was because he missed me and he said he did. And missed the sex. Then he said something about a girlfriend and I went numb. I had no words. After he explained that he’d had 2 girlfriends since we broke up I told him I had go. “What’s wrong ?” He asked. It was like a knife stabbed me in my heart. I had no words and just hung up. The cruel discard.

So then came the phase of truth. I had found out about all the lying and cheating he had done behind my back. Told people he was just mind-fucking me throughout the relationship. So I had no choice but to accept it was all fake. I realized I wasn’t in love with him just who he pretended to be. I loved an illusion. I kept telling myself David was dead and gone. There was nothing to love anymore. And the sadness started fading away.

But now I’m in the phase of anger. It sets in deep in my mind and soul. I didn’t know my heart could hold so much hatred. Especially after he emailed me pics of his girlfriend and him together. Informing me she was 20 years younger than me. She could give him babies. And they were getting married (it’s like his 100th engagement- that’s his m.o.). Of course he uses social media to inform everyone how he’s finally happy and loves his life and has the best girl in the world and everything is just totally perfect for him. But it’s been almost 3 months.. pretty soon he’ll stick to the phases and he’ll start slowly breaking her down mentally. He’ll unfortunately probably put hands on her too. He’ll lie and cheat behind her back. He’ll get bored and eventually discard her because he’ll find someone new. It’s what he does. Every. Single. Time.

So realizing that what he put me through is an actual THING and was planned out and destroyed me on purpose was so painful. And the visions of him with all the girls he cheated on me with are all to real… all the lies I can now see through, all the red flags I missed- it’s hard to face the truth. My heart still aches but I know it’s not aching for David. It aches for who he pretended to be. And I’m so full of regrets! It’s embarrassing because I was such a fool. Completely gullible because I wanted to be loved so bad. I hate myself for allowing him to treat me like he did.. for still believing in him. But as the AA Big Book says on page 417: “And acceptance is the answer to ALL my problems.”

So I’m working on that so I can get to the next phase of this narcissistic nightmare of healing.. HEALING. PEACE. THRIVING.

So it was all just a THING full of phases like everything I’ve read about narcissistic abuse. So I’m teaching myself to trust my gut and pay close attention to the next guy. To set boundaries and stick to them. To not let anyone in until I REALLY know them and trust them. To see through facades. Those are my new phases I’ll be going through now. But first I’ve got to learn to love myself again so I’ll know my worth and will not tolerate disrespect, abuse or games… He doesn’t get to win!

The final phase is GAME OVER. No contact ever again. Block him on everything and don’t check his social media. Let go, and figure out a way to forgive him so I can move on. Be strong and confident enough to recognize the fake ‘love-bombing’ and manipulation. To be me and put myself first… No more games. It’s over.

You

| I am Destroyed

Because you didn’t want to lose him, you lost yourself in the process.

You became a girl who kept being mistreated and you formed a habit of saying “I’m used to it”. You became a girl who kept being unappreciated and you began to tell yourself “It’s okay”. You became a girl who kept being undervalued and you learned how to say “I’m fine”. You became a girl who kept being put last and you naturally reacted with “It’s whatever”. You became a girl who kept being taken for granted and you dealt with it by repeating “Everything’s okay”. You became a girl who kept being unhappy and you regularly told people “I’m gonna be fine”. And if you’re reading this right now, then you need to understand that no guy is worth losing yourself for, no guy is worth suffering for at the expense of your happiness, and no guy is worth tormenting yourself over for the sake of making him happy. At this point, perhaps losing him is the only way you’d be able to get yourself back because as much as you wouldn’t want this to be true, he’s the only thing that’s in your way of finding yourself and he’s the only reason you’ve lost yourself for so long.