I am a bad person really.
I will only hurt you.
You should stay away from me.
I do bad things. I cannot help it. I always do.
I will make you wish you had never met me.
It will go wrong, it always does.
You will end up hating me.
You don’t know what you are getting into with me.
You shouldn’t do this.
You should leave while you can.
This is going to turn out badly.
I have to hurt people.
I don’t want to hurt you, but I will.
I just want to fit in.
I’m not what you think I am.
I fucking hate you
And I love you
But I wish I’d never met you
And I don’t know how to make it without you
Our passion runs deep
Every time that we meet
I can’t seem to leave you alone
I need you
I want you
Deep down though I know I can’t have you
Stay
Please just go away
Why the fuck do you keep coming back?
You string me along with these false hopes
Promising to fill my all my desires
Real, true intimacy exists between us
But the price I pay keeps me lost
When there’s space between us
My soul still longs for only you
A love so intense
Oh so true
A part of me died the day I met you
Our love flows so deep
I truly believe there’s no me without you
Sometimes our passion ignites such a fire
Then there’s the times that there’s not a light
You keep me lovingly ensnared
Yes I crave your touch
I need your time
Though I wish you just let me go
Leave me and my heart alone
Just give me back my soul
All my dreams that you stole
Me and my self-worth
Let your ugliness keep you away
After the deep scars you left in every part of me
Can’t believe I pieced back together some brokenness
Finding some of myself once again
But my love for you is real and true
Honestly, I just don’t know how not to love you
Can’t imagine if I was able to let you go
You’ve brought me such pain and definitely misery
You deserve not a thing from me
But you’re still who I want
To love me forever
We both know that’s not how our story ends
You take and deplete
Forever hating myself
Without you I still might have hope
Let’s try this again
This is goodbye, my love
There’s nothing left of me to destroy
Emptiness is how you’ve filled my voids
So, fuck you
Stupid fucking meth
Every. Single. Thing.
It all seems pointless. Recovery, healing, letting go, job training, fighting, even having hope.. pointless.
Obviously I can’t recover… As soon as everything is going good I find reasons to pick up again. Even just using is pointless when I’m not even getting the numbing I want. Guess he was right and maybe all I’ll ever be is a pathetic addict.
And how the fuck am I supposed to make sense of anything from the last 6 years? The emotional abuse and just straight mind fuckery that’s gone on in my last two relationships has me destroyed. Especially the last one! How do I heal from something that wasn’t real? A facade of someone I loved? He used me, abused me then blantly discarded me like trash for someone else- twice! How do I forgive myself for allowing it to happen? I’m forever changed by this man (boy) and all his cruelty. He manipulated me in every way possible. He’s instilled a level if untrust and terror in me that is so unfair. I can’t even verbalize the physical.
And the physical stuff is what makes it so hard to let go. I can still feel the terror of thinking I was taking my last breath.. the hits.. the kicks.. most of all the suffocations.
And what’s the point in trying to better myself and start a new career? Half the time I can’t even make myself get up and shower! How do I find the will to move forward? To find a purpose again after having my whole sense of self worth stripped from me? It never gets better and I end up in the same vicious cycle of hopelessness.
So why fight? For anything really. Myself? Depleated, defeated and hopeless. My recovery? Not worth it when I just chronically relapse. My little boy? He deserves so much better than a mom who chose someone and something’s over him.. a mom that hurts him like I have by not staying clean and being weak enough to fall apart. My life? What life. I merely exist surrounded by these four walls trapped in the hell that runs through my mind 24/7. My friends and family? So I can disappoint them and let them down again? And I’ve got some really awesome people that truly care about me too.
But I’m empty. I hate the bod side of me that just can’t let go and move on. It’s just impossible to accept the pain or something. Too much to bear. So then I disassociate from everyone and everything. I find myself praying to take my last breaths, researching ways to end my life. And I know that’s gonna be the end.. two serious attempts before but I’m just so worried about how it will affect my boys but soon the hell is gonna be too much.. they don’t need a mess like me. I’ve already proved how unreliable I am. So it’s just a matter of when because I really am done and completely, utterly hopeless and that makes EVERYTHING just totally pointless.
Where did I go? I’m not at all sure but I am most definitely GONE. It’s hard for me to even remember who I was, what I was like… Ive been so stripped of myself I can’t picture it. I know I used to laugh but now I can’t find any reason to smile. I know I used to be silly and sarcastic but now my mind is paralyzed with fear, anger, shame and sadness. I know I used to be loving and kind but now I’m just empty. I know I used to be a mom but I can’t trust myself anymore. I used to be motivated and hope but today I’m filled with nothing but hopelessness.
He destroyed me. He took all those things away from me and the worst part is I let him. I believed in him- everything about him so when the abuse started happening I justified it and made excuses for him. I knew something was always off but couldn’t quite explain it. He put the act of loving me so perfectly how could I ever doubt him? Never once did it even cross my mind that this was all some game to him… That he was using me and I didn’t matter to him at all. Even when he started rumors I was cheating on him and just terrible things he made up about me in general, I thought it was his emotional health suffering so I stood by him trying to help him. Some days it was so unbearable. I’m ashamed to say I even got physical back with him. But I was no match for the nights of torment he put me through, making me sincerely believe my life was over.
Now, I don’t know how to come back. Do I even want to? It all seems so pointless.. trying to summon up the will to “recover” from the narcissistic abuse that has put me in a C-PTSD nightmare. I wake up with it all on my mind. It’s like a broken record playing in my head over and over again. I can’t stop obsessing over every detail of the entire relationship… all the signs and red flags I ignored. Maybe it was too much for me to handle. So my days now are filled with such an emptiness. I’ll get stuck in a thought or memory, staring off into space with tears rolling down my cheeks and next thing you now 5 hours has passed. I either sleep way too much or not at all. He even invades my dreams! I’m always on the verge of tears. I shake, I don’t eat, my anxiety is through the roof. And I let this happen!
The shame and guilt I feel at not being stronger is eating me alive. Any “normal” girl would have told him to fuck off immediately. But I just couldn’t. I just held onto that fantasy love I thought we had.. but looking back there really wasn’t anything to hold on to. Just lies. Fakeness. Betrayal. Deciept. So I don’t if it’s possible to come back. I’m at the point where I just give up because what’s there to fight for? I know that’s letting him win and I don’t care anymore. He did win. He succeeded at destroying me. I’ll never let anyone close to me again. I’ll never trust anyone. I’ll never trust myself. So where did I go??? I don’t know but I’m gone.
My mind just can’t grasp all this. Narcissistic abuse… Every article I read rips my heart into pieces. This hell was all planned and calculated? He never was sincere in anything he told me? He was a fake and a liar and a cheat.. he was only with me until I no longer served him a purpose (we got evicted and cleaned up and I didn’t have anything left to offer him) he moved right on to his next “supply”.
Hurts.
Really. Fucking. Hurts.
Its so hard for me to accept because IT WAS REAL TO ME! I honestly, truly loved him and believed in him with every ounce of my being.
He was my dream come true- loving, kind, compassionate and so gorgeous. I used to think I could see the love he had for me in his eyes. I even confessed he’s the first person to ever make me feel unconditionally loved. God I was so gullible!
He wrote me poems, hid sweet little notes everywhere for me to find, picked me a flower every day, made playlists for me… Damn. He gave an Oscar worthy performance. I never doubted him. I put him first above everything. Especially myself.
That was the “love-bombing”. Then he started accusing me of cheating and always making sure I knew other females wanted him.. making me insecure. His acccusations would start the second I got up to when I cried myself to sleep. And they made no sense. Just completely outlandish and ridiculous. Then I saw him change.
He hurt me. On purpose. It went way beyond just knocking me around. He made sure I was scared to death of him with his threats of taking my life, choking me, suffocating me, playing Russian roulette with his knife and he would do the crazy ass manipulations having me convinced of all kinds of crap that was not even happening. Then I started waking up feeling like I had a hangover and not remembering a thing about the previous nights covered in handprints, bruises and scratches. He had me believing someone was breaking into our house, drugging me then having their way with me. Now I know better and it sickens me.
I was gone. He sucked the life right out of me. I had no fight I would just agree and take it and keep trying to convince him I loved him. But it just kept getting worse. He smutted me up good too. To anyone he could get to listen.. playing his recordings of me saying it was me and another guy. He mocked me, belittled me and degraded me all for his sick, twisted amusement. He most definitely let me fall to the point I didn’t care about anything.
Now.. it’s a thing. Everything I’m learning and recognizing about narcissist personality disorder is basically telling my story. Every article I read gives me another recollection. Looking back, there were so many red flags I very foolishly ignored. There were so many signs and hints as to what he was really up to but I didn’t want to believe them so I’d look the other way and rarely challenged him.
So, yeah.. wtf. What the fuck is wrong me?
I knew without a doubt the relationship was toxic and was starting to become obviously one-sided. Yet I held on…
One day he kinda laughs and says “My psychiatrist says I’m a narcissist. I’m ok with that.” My knowledge of what a narcissist was like being infatuated with yourself. Man if only I’d learned this stuff before I met him I wouldn’t have wasted almost 2 years trying to love him. (No- I definitely did love him.)
In all honestly I’m confused why I fought so hard for this abusive, psychotic, drug hazed “love” I don’t know. Kinda like (up until recently) I looked at the demise of our once “magical, fairytale romance” as unfair.. inflating the memories of feelings that were undescribable. Real, pure, true love I’d believed. Soulmates who fell in love at first sight.
He’s still the greatest love of my life I just have no idea who I was loving. The man I used to brag that treated me better than anyone else had a whole other side I could have made up. The man I fell in love with wasn’t real.
I’ve been consumed by him in every way. I’ve tolerated, allowed, ignored and just played dumb to not have to face reality. Until recently I couldn’t have imagined he would have cheated on me. But deep down I’ve known. Like I used to say to him: “you’re too good to be true” but none of it was even real.
Bottom line… He used me. He had nowhere to live and I had an income. I just don’t get why. Why me? He was 13 years younger than me so again, I’m just dumb. How could I have been so stupid? I used to laugh and say he was my dream come true but I was scared it would just be over and the joke would be on me. CALLED IT!
The worse was feeling so bad as I thought I was watching him have some kind of breakdown because he just fell apart thinking all this crazy cheating was going on when it was HIM! Everything he was accusing me if he was doing.
Then it was just over. He found someone new and younger. But, he came back.
I wish he’d never come back.
I really wish he’d never come at all…
#narcissist #fake #heartbreak #lies #abuse
